I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
