She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Randomize
