oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
Best feedback on my performance so far: "There are things that can't be unseen."
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
