You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
