ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
