If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
she was using bread to soak up the vodka off the floor then proceeded to eat it.
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize