I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
if only i could text you this smell
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
