So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Well you’re enrolled in an Ivy League grad school and I’m currently at a 2 star holiday inn in rural PA so who is really thriving here
Randomize
