I met the friendliest cop last night
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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