Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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