"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
