Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
