Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
