this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
