i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
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