On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
