No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
