should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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