Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
