I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
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