It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
