My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Randomize
