Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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