Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
