Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
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