How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
