I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
