He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
