She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
