my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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