fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
Randomize
