90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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