I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
