It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Randomize
