According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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