matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
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