got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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