i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Randomize
