i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Thank god Shes going home for winter break, gives my dick a chance to recover from those "bjs." Youd think a senior could suck a dick by now.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
