i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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