Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I need a burrito and a hug.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
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