so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Well the party says they're going to have three kegs and four trampolines. I think I'm going to invite my EMT buddies just to be safe.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
