I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
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