I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
