What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Randomize
