I didn't shave. On purpose
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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