The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
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