how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
