my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
