I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
