Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Randomize
