I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize