I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
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