Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
