Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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